Things More Interesting than the Superbowl

superbowl ideas

If you know me then you likely know that I know nothing about sports. Other than the psychological, biological, and sociological effects thereof and causes for participation and observation. That is to say that I know why people enjoy it but have no earthly idea how they work. So with the Superbowl coming up I have prepared my list of things to do instead of watch the game.

 

10) Go to the Gym

10 - go to the gym

“What the hay?!” you say? “Well, what the haaaay,” I say. Instead of watching overgrown children who make way too much money run an egg shaped “ball” around a green pitch I would rather go run myself. I get tired just thinking of American football–might as well get in shape myself rather than sleep on the couch like any other day. Then again I could…

 

9) Play a Video Game

Because working out is for losers and jerks (and also non-fat people). I have a Steam library that rivals the economy of most 4th world nations–why not put in some hours lavishing my wealth into computerized joy light?! Seriously, I still haven’t finished ALL the Fallouts (1, 2, or Tactics) and I’m on the last level of Dungeons of Dredmor–definitely way better use of my time than an over hyped sports event. But that sounds like work, maybe I could…

9-8 Stuff

 

8) Watch Stuff on Netflix

Why waste a moment of my life watching two teams of gentlemen with meager character depth and nearly no plot smash heads into one another? I could be finding out who built the Pyramids of Mars with Tom Baker and his extra long scarf?!?!?!?! Seriously–I have a fever and the only cure is the Doctor! But I may run out of episodes. If I do I can always…

 

7) Write Stuff

Time is money but somehow I can never get it to turn back into time. I think that means money is not nearly as important as time. Ipso Facto: it is worth my time to be doing something productive rather than watching a football game that I can just get Twitter updates about anyway. Between work, school, my publisher, and my various blogs it would be way more important to just write during the Superbowl (even if it is on Google Drive’s Doc tiny writing app). Or I could…

7-6 writing burritos

6) Eat My Weight in Burritos

Some people climb tall mountains, others COMPLETE the Great American Novel, while others buttheads with grown adults wearing spandex–I won’t judge their lifestyle choices. However before I die (and likely it would be immediately after) I would like to consume my own weight in tasty tasty Sriracha smothered bean and beef burritos. So 300 pounds of south of the border goodness… Totally doable right? If you’ll hold I have to go call ‘Man v. Food’ to confirm if that is physically possible. While you wait, try to…

 

5) Wax the Cat*

Though not exactly practical or necessary–attempting to give my feline friend a Brazilian is a mental exercise in futility. An attempt to do such only ends in tears for the applicator and mild hysterical murder eyes for the unwilling participant. Once my wounds are bandaged and sanitized I can relax with a beer and watch the Superbo—OH WAIT. Nope. Because I’d rather…

5-4 cat-yard

 

4) Do Yard Work

Once removing the six inches of ice from my lawn, I can use safety scissors to extract blades of dead yellow grass taller than 2 and a ¼ inches high. With the clippings I can collect them and organize them by their particular shade of yellow. To do such I’ll photograph each collection and use a digital computer program to exact the hex code. Then I’ll compile like-colored grass into the correct bag. Because that is more exciting than watching a football game. Yet not as exciting as…

 

3) Do the Cinnamon Challenge

3 - cinnamon

Because nothing says ‘not watching sports’ like eating the driest spice known to man and trying to suck it down before vomiting. Maybe I should…

 

2) Read Out of Date Coupons2 coupons

As an exercise to prepare my mind for actually useful couponing–I’ll take the last ten years of coupons, cut them out of their crackling pages, and then sort them by color, savings, and which of them do not suggest watching a football game. Or best yet I could…

 

1) Watch Paint Dry

Because literally anything better than ‘foot-’ball**.

1 paint drying

Now this sounds harsh–and it is. I can even appreciate the physical power and mental puzzles the game creates but at the end of the day it will still be a game. Heck–I have more at stake in most games of Catan as I will in the upcoming game. If you like it then have fun–I for one will be grabbing snacks from the kitchen from my relatives who watch the game and then doing something from this list. I’ll give you hint–it involves Tom Baker and rhymes with ‘oooooo.’

 

What will you be doing instead of the game? Comment below. If you’re watching the game… I guess good for you.

 

*Note: This is a JOKE and I would never attempt giving a hot wax treatment to an animal. If even necessary ever (surgery?) I would never ever try to do so. Cat grooming of that measure is for trained professionals only. Do Not Attempt At Home.

**I mean for the love of all-that-is-holy-and-right-with-this-world*** it is not a ball and you never hit it with your feet unless your the kicky guy! It’s handegg you Philistines!

***See “Firefly” on Netflix

3 Comments

  • Jennifer Jennifer says:

    The illustrations! I die! 😀 So good!

  • Daniel says:

    Haha! Thank you! I think I may do some more in the coming weeks for the Olympics and Valentines.

  • Daniel says:

    Also, UPDATE:

    I made good on my promises–I nearly beat ‘Fable III’ (review coming soon), watched ‘You’re Next’ (also a review coming soon), and started working on yet another novel project (probably never to see light of day at this point.

    I did however pass through the TV room on my way to the tea supply–the game was pretty funny. Every time I looked at the screen there was a Seahawks dog pile and an interception. Then I did watch Bruno Mars ‘James-Brown’ himself all over the stage. Love it–I’ll probably never buy a CD of his but I would go to a live show.

    Lastly, I didn’t actually notice that I drew the wrong teams in the title illustration… So oops. All well.

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